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My fear of others' rejection was really a projection of the many ways I was rejecting myself.

Self-judgment is a common and powerful form of self-rejection

"You're pathetic," "You're stupid," "You're ugly," "There is something wrong with you," "You're not good enough," and so on, the child would feel rejected, unloved and unlovable.

- Making Others Responsible For Your Feelings
Did you grow up believing that others are responsible for making you feel safe and worthy? While our parents were responsible for this when we were little, as adults it is up to us to give ourselves the loving attention and approval we need to feel lovable and worthy. Even if someone else is loving you, if you are rejecting yourself in the above ways, you will not feel loved and worthy.

Did you learn to give yourself up, or get angry at others, to try to get love and avoid responsibility for your feelings? If you had an actual child and you were constantly looking for someone to take care of the child -- someone to give your child away to -- that child would constantly feel rejected by you. Again, this is the same on the inner level. You inner child feels deeply rejected by you when you don't want responsibility for lovingly managing your own feelings, and instead look for someone to give you what your parents might not have given you.

You can learn to take responsibility for your own feelings. You can learn to lovingly manage your pain. That's what I had to learn to do, and if I can learn to do it, so can you! This is what I help my counseling clients do, and this is what thousands have learned to do through practicing the Inner Bonding process. When you learn to love yourself rather than reject yourself, then you can truly share love with others, rather than constantly trying to get love and avoid the pain of rejection.

We do not get to choose the content of our minds, but we certainly try. we do not choose or control, and that fall short of our ideals of perfection, and we have a great deal of trouble accepting this. Our work with acceptance versus rejection of the realities that are beyond our control or outside our definition of perfection can help us build resilience but can also lead to emotional suffering

We try and try to suppress our “bad” thoughts. We come up with “techniques” that help us avoid the “bad” feelings or behaviors and “get better.” We think these acts of self-rejection will remove the “badness” from ourselves. But this “badness”—this confluence of thoughts and feelings that are inside us that we do not want—remains there despite our efforts to reject and banish it.

What are the benefits of accepting our reality and giving up our fantasies of control and perfection?

“I have identified something inside me as bad; I did not put it there and I do not want it there, as it challenges my fantasy of becoming perfect. Now I must ‘improve myself’ by finding some technique to rid myself of this badness to regain perfection. Immediately if not sooner, please!”

they are afraid to be honest and authentic because they are afraid they will be rejected by others.

Examples of lenses that encourage rejection:
If I ask for what I want, they will say no because they hate me. If I go to the party, people will think I’m weird. If I speak my mind, I will look like a fool. People see right through me and don’t like what they see. I am worthless, no good. If I tell the truth or share my feelings, I’ll be outcast and alone. My feelings don’t matter. Nobody cares about me. I’ll never amount to anything, so why try

Signs of Self-Rejection:

Excessive shyness, passivity and non-initiation in relationship.

Deep critical spirit of self AND others.

Constant feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.

Constant patterns of unworthiness.

Angry; either pent up where they shut down or become irritable, or outward, where they become pushy and overbearing.

Perfectionistic tendencies to cover up lack of self-love and to feel any sense of worth.
Self-isolation.
Depression and heaviness.
Addictions, often hidden ones.

Giving off a sense of superiority, even though they actually feel inferior.

Extravagance in spending, in an attempt to gain admiration and acceptance.
Struggles with self-hate and self-accusation (self vs. self).
Neglecting priorities and key responsibilities.

Self-punitive mental habits like perfectionism

When someone rejects us, we start rejecting ourselves.

fMRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. In fact our brains respond so similarly to rejection and physical pain

Rejection served a vital function in our evolutionary past. In our hunter/gatherer past, being ostracized from our tribes was akin to a death sentence, as we were unlikely to survive for long alone. Evolutionary psychologists assume the brain developed an early warning system to alert us when we were at risk for ostracism.

Rejection destabilizes our "Need to Belong." We all have a fundamental need to belong to a group. When we get rejected, this need becomes destabilized and the disconnection we feel adds to our emotional pain. Rejection creates surges of anger and aggression.

Countless studies have demonstrated that even mild rejections lead people to take out their aggression on innocent bystanders.

School shootings, violence against women, and fired workers going "postal" are other examples of the strong link between rejection and aggression. However, much of that aggression elicited by rejection is also turned inward. Rejections send us on a mission to seek and destroy our self-esteem.

Rejection temporarily lowers our IQ. Being asked to recall a recent rejection experience and relive the experience was enough to cause people to score significantly lower on subsequent IQ tests, tests of short-term memory, and tests of decision making.

HOW CAN WE LEARN TO MANAGE OUR PAIN

Can we let go of the fantasy self who is perfect and in control, accept who we are right now, and see how that feels?

Opting for instant gratification to avoid short-term discomfort while missing out on long-term fulfillment

ACCESSING OUR FEELINGS TO OVERCOME SELF-REJECTION

Reclaiming our rudders and accessing our true feelings can be a bumpy ride; cut-off feelings were repressed for a reason.

” Most of the time, I can avoid falling into old patterns. I hear those thoughts and think, “Nope, I’m allergic to that. That’s not good for me.”

Recognize that you are rejecting yourself. The first step is acknowledgment that you are doing it. If you start paying attention, you’ll notice when you are doing this. It is probably so “normal” to you that you may not even recognize it at first. Pay attention to the things you say to yourself internally like “That was stupid!” or other critical remarks.

Acknowledge to your True Self that you realize how much this has hurt you. Get angry at yourself for betraying yourself and letting yourself down. Really – let the feelings out. It might make you cry. You might need to punch something (like a pillow) or write a nasty letter to yourself detailing how much pain this has caused you. Acknowledge it. It’s a BIG deal. You’ve been rejecting yourself a long time so there’s a lot of pain there. It might take some time to process it all – or it might come in “layers” – a little today, a little next week, next month, next year. Deal with it as you see it.

PEOPLE REJECT YOU BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN ISSUES. NOT YOURS.

친애하는 나에게

얼마나 달콤한지 나는 내가 누군지 알거같아
얼마나 달콤한지 나는 내가 어떻게 되고 싶은지 알아
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 선택한 이미지로 나를 보여줬던게
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 나를 주변환경에 이끌리게 한것을
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 이렇게 선언서를 말할수있다는게
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 합리성을 소홀해 했는지
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 생각들을 멀리 보내는 시도를 했다는게
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 얼마나 진실한 자아와 얼마나 멀리 떨어져 있는지
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 얼마나 진정한 나와는 거리가 먼지조차 모르겠다
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 계속 똑같은 패턴으로 끝난다는걸
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 계속 똑같은 원을 그리고 있다는걸
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 다른 사람들한테 의존해서 행복을 얻는다는걸
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 사랑하는 사람들에게서만 인정받을수 있는지
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 혼자 있는게
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 혼자 있자마자 매우 불편할것을
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 정신을 산만하게 할수있음에
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 계속 모든 거절을 뒤트는것이
얼마나 달콤한지 내가 나를 거절하는게